I really should start writing in this more.
This is the first step towards doing that....
I feel better since my last post. My methods were continuing to prove unsuccessful so I'm giving up...for a while.
In other, yet completely related, news, why am I such a pessimist lately? I feel like I'm "behind" in everything. And when I say "behind" I don't mean I'm actually behind in school work or keeping promises (though the school work thing is true a little bit), I mean like "less than." It's almost like a combination of apathy and competitiveness. I feel extremely competitive and want to do everything I do better than everyone else. The chess thing and the chemistry thing are the most prominant. But when I don't understand something, or continue to lose over and over, I get frustrated to the point of either giving up or stressing myself out to the point where my brain isn't functioning as well as I'm used to. I always make the excuse that I'm tired, but even when I give a concentrated effort to get more sleep it still persists. Hmmmm, I say, hmmmm. It's similar to when I used to goto the gym, and how that ended. "Wow, that was intense, I better take a day off," *two days later* "Wow, that was intense too, I better take like 3 days off," *Pattern continues to escalate into infinity...* Yeeees.
An alternate theory from the above explanation: I feel as though there's something missing in my life. What is it? I dunno, my guess is "female companionship". But they don't sell that at the local super market as I've explained.
My thoughts are very scattered right now, and they have been for the past couple of days. I like a girl but I'm still not sure to what degree. Actually, I take that back, I know exactly what degree, because I'm the one doing the liking. The delima is I'm an over analytical person. The question in my head is: How can I just all of a sudden want to get closer to a person as much as I do in such a short amount of time? Doesn't there have to be a little bit of time before I "know" these things? For some reason I'm having a hard time even believing I like her this much. I hate cliche answers, but I ask myself why I like this girl and my brain says, "she's smart, fun to talk to, gorgeous, listens," CLICHES BRAIN! CLICHEEES!
I think I'll do a little self-psycho-analysis...WHY do I feel so conflicted about these feelings. I seem to want to push them away because 1) they feel foreign, 2) they seem unjustified, and more important, a theory: 3) I'm afraid. What am I afraid of? I'm afraid to let my guard down it seems. I suppose also if I let it be known I felt this way and she determined that she didn't, and wouldn't, the romanticism and possibility in my head would vanish. Right now there's a chance, and a chance is better than "no"
She was so pretty today, when I talked to her my emotions would oscillate between two extremes: "She's beautiful," to "She's too beautiful for me," Unfortunately the latter thought stuck for the duration of the time I had to work that night til now. But what keeps me really holding on is her herself, when she talks I want to listen, and when I tell her something I choose my words carefully and hope I convey correctly and articulately. But while I play this silent social game of emotional-chess in my head, I seem to realize that ever move puts me in check. One part of my brain says, "You can win, press on, it's just the beginning," the other says, "You can't win, you've already lost," I just need to figure out which one of those thoughts are emotions and which one is rational.
But maybe the more unfortunate version of reality will set in for me eventually, and I'll go crazy because of the frustrating fact that it's possible for one person to adore every aspect of the other, but the other to not care for any aspect of the first. Of course if I like someone it isn't necessary that they like me, or else I wouldn't be having this problem.
But I can't have everything I want I suppose. I have money, I have a car to get around and to school, and I have school, I have good grades in school, I have this computer, I have all my expensive video games, I have my shiny camera, and my health. But I don't have her, and if I don't ever have her, I wont ever have her, no matter how many things I'd be willing to give up.
In short: I'm frustrated
Yesterday was weird.
Saturday night I couldn't get to sleep...at all...I closed my eyes for hours and hours but nothing happend. So I ended up staying up all night, which was really annoying, becaaause I had to work in the morning for ten hours.
I went to work and first off all I just felt weird because the "you've been up all night" feeling was starting, and then the manager was half an hour late, and then I went inside and all the food was still in the warmer (which was turned off) sooo it smelled like dead people.
After I cleaned up the dead people I tried to turn things on to cook up new dead people, but it wouldn't turn on, for *gasp* it smelt like propane. Soooo we had to fix that which took a few hours and everyone was getting all lightheaded and loopy, which added to the weird-feeling.
Work ended and I didn't die though, so that was good. I went home and zoned out on video games for two and a half hours without realizing it, after which Rachael called and we hung out at Barnes and Noble for an hour or two before she had to go home. And she freakin' knows some philosophy stuffs man! And when I say things, she gives me input that makes me go "hmm...oh yeah!". I need to start hanging out with her more, especially since art night is dead and/or dying =(
Today I have calculus in a few hours from now (woooo! <---not sarcastic) so I went to buy the book because I wanted to look at it before class because I'm cool like that and do you know how much it was? DO YOU KNOW?!?! About 200 freaking dollars. Thas right. BUT! Today I am lucky, because right as I picked the book up off the shelf and turned around Blake was there saying, "Ya know, I have that book. I don't need it anymore, I'll sell it to you for $50." So I was like WOOOO....but now I don't have a book to look at right now. But...I saved $150, so I should stop whining.
I finally did it man! I beat the freakin' chess computer thingy!
That thing was a bitch man....you can't bluff artificial intellegence...
I had to go back to actually working =(, which I guess is actually kind of good considering how my car refuses to get fixed fully regardless of how much money I put into it.
I've also been feeding my random "Viva Pinata" addiction...which I'm sure will fade suddenly in a week and I'll forget it ever happend. But in the mean time, WOOO FOR BEIN A WORM PIMP!!
It's weird how when school is out for more than about three days the corner of my desk without the computer stuff on it transforms from a bunch of books, calculators, and pencils, to a computer monitor, an xbox360, and many cans of soda...
Quick rant: Windows Vista: more stable than ever! ....More stable my ass...I haven't seen a blue screen of death since freakin' windows 98 man....bleh.
So I just took my trigonometry/pre-calculus final and I think I need to invent a new word for how I'm feeling. It would be a mixture of about 50% ecstatic, 25% nervous, and 25% tweeky/shakeyish.
Why do I have such a strong reaction to my math final versus my other finals? Well for one math seemed to end up being the class I only half put forth effort towards this term. And for two, with all my other classes and having to work near 30 hours every week, I was riding on the promise that the homework points would be waived if you got an A on the final. I didn't, within' normal human limits, have time to do the homework enough to have it count towards anything, so I barley turned in any homework. But the deal was: the homework is how you really learn the material, and if you show you know the material on the final, then you must not have needed to do the homework.
So anyways, for a good portion of the test I was goin' along really smoothly. I'd been hard-freakin-core studying/reviewing/"learning things I didn't even catch in class" for the past week, and during that week I'd created a piece of notepaper with every single formula/law I'd need to remember (we could have a page of notes on the final). Today I forgot to bring the paper of notes, but I was remembering everything I needed to really easy to the point where I'd do a problem two different ways just because I could...and to look like I knew it more I guess.
Anyways, I breezed through the first 3 pages of the 4.5 page test when something I didn't expect happen. Somehow I got the idea in class that we were only touching on parametric equations and polar equations, but it turned out the entire last portion of the test were on them.
When I got to this portion of the test we had 45 minutes left to finish the final. I got to, while listening to frantic music, try and logic/common sense my way out of these problems all while the teacher every 5 or ten minutes would tell us how much time we had left. I'm pretty sure I got to the answer in a totally different way than was taught, but when put the numbers back in the equation it all worked out, so I was relieved.
I had 5 minutes left and I went to check over my test and fixed little stupid mistakes that I usually make on tests for some reason. At 3 or so minutes I realized that one rather important problem was completely missing 3 solutions. I had no idea I could write or think that fast, but I ended up circling the answer right when the teacher yelled, "Time's up!"
SHESH MAN! Subjecting poor students to this kind of craziness...I'm pretty sure I did well on it though. And if I didn't get an A on it, if I got a B or a C (which I'm sure I did) I'm able to go onto the next level of math. So woot for me....now ima eat this cookie and not think whatsoever....X.x
Guess what? Andy doesn't have to work today. But also guess what? He's freakin' tired and doesn't want to study...but should. What a dilemma, what a dilemma, oh look a cookie! *munch munch munch*
I don't remember if I wrote about my last paper on this delay-jig, but my last paper got a D. The last papers grade pissed me off slightly, but it was done the day before way too quickly and rereading it, a D was generous.
But I also got a D on the paper I got back today. He gave it back at the beginning of class and I looked it over the entire time, reading his comments over and over, disagreeing with them more each time I read them.
I didn't care so much that I got a D on the paper I did last time because it deserved a D. But this paper was written over the course of almost 2 weeks (only half a week after it was assigned), and consisted of reading articles on the subject every day, and towards the end there were 2 adderall-induced sleepless nights and one night I stayed up until 4. It was supposed to be 750 max (which is fucking ridiculous if he wants us to take such a strong stand and support it to the degree he wants), mine ended up being around 1000, but it was originally at around 2000, so I'm sure most of those 1000 words I took out further demonstrated my point.
His comments fell into 3 categories: grammatical (which I don't mind at all), "logical" (quoted because I'm pissed at the guy), and semi personal attacks (yes...). Here are some of my favorites:
On all my other papers he told me my claim wasn't clearly stated enough. In his world (a world of no creativity/philosophical/higher-level thinking), the claim is in the first paragraph of the essay. In this paper I stated the claim at the very end of the first paragraph in a way that felt odd to read but couldn't help but be noticed.
I wrote: "I believe not only is active euthanasia not morally permissible, but is not even necessary. I will try and demonstrate why passive euthanasia or assisted suicides are always, when possible, better alternatives."
To which he wrote: "how can passive be an alternative to active?"
To which I would respond if he was available after class: "The keyword in my sentence is WILL...throughout the paper I'll be supporting my claim, that's how arguments work, you say what you're arguing and then you argue it,"
Next, after I stated in the next two paragraphs I'd be stating the current legal situation and defining terms as I'd use them in the paper, I said this: "...doctors are allowed to assist terminally ill patients in suicide by providing them with lethal doses of prescription medicine,"
To which he said: "how is this not active? define the types you're dealing with in paper"
to which I would’ve responded: "If you'd read my paper more carefully, you'd know that in this paragraph I'm only quoting the law, in the next I'll be defining terms and thus clarifying what the law means in terms of my paper."
Next I think bugs me the most, because it wouldn't have happened if the paper didn't have to be so freakin' short. In the first of two paragraphs I was trying to show how someone could see "active" and "passive" as being the same thing. In the first paragraph (the argument against me), I explained how both "passive", and "active" both involved the intent and expectation of the doctor for the patient to die., the next paragraph I showed how they were different, but at the end of the paragraph showed how they do essentially to the same thing (to which he responded, "so? Where's your argument,", which makes a little sense because I contradicted myself, but in the next paragraph I explain the contradiction and how it relates to my point: Active euthanasia is not necessary because it does the same job as passive euthanasia, but void of the act of the doctor actively having to participate in the killing).
Now the one that drove me crazy. On this particular topic, he warned those who chose it to make sure we take into account patients who were not mentally competent. In the original draft I had fairly clear analysis of how and why this 1) isn't of concern as much as you'd expect, and 2) that there's already a way to deal with it. But after the paper was done and I took out as many little wordy things as I could, I finally had to decide that the incompetent patient argument wouldn't fit. So I put in a short paragraph explaining that I, as the author, understood the fact that this was a concern, however I wasn't allowed sufficient space to express my concerns in more detail. Then I explained very briefly how this situation is currently dealt with. After the sentence, "I'm aware of how this complicates things but unfortunately I don't have time to go into detail about this case," he wrote "it hasn't stopped you so far,". Now this I don't know how I would have responded without anger. But first of all, it's an unnecessary and illogical comment. It's implying that I SHOULD have gone on to explain, but if I would have done that, the paper wouldn't have even been accepted, and if it was I'd get a even worse grade for the huge paper. and if I left the point in, I would have had to take out the more important and more focused portions of my argument, to which he would say, "You aren't staying focused" or something like that. But above all unnecessary. Also at the end of the short paragraph he wrote, "How does this relate to argument," to which I say: duh. It relates to the argument because it's a concern of the argument. I'm stating that I'm aware of it, but I couldn't go into it. This isn't my fault; it's your fault because you're lazy.
NEXT paragraph I express how it's better to give a patient the opportunity to medicate themselves because they'll think twice before they do it (and oh man...you need human empathy to understand this one...no wonder he didn't get it), whereas if they're in a doctor’s office, they may hesitate in expressing a change of heart after all the deliberation they'd went through. He wrote two things in this paragraph, "Sorry I don't follow this," and "but they're the ones making the request". To which, again, I reply: Duh. But the fact that they're making the choice isn't the point, as illustrated by the quote I inserted that, paraphrased, says "nobody is arguing involuntary euthanasia", the point of this argument is to personalize the situation and point out what's going on in the head of someone in this situation. Not everything is fact-oriented, not everything is black and white. These are human beings we're dealing with.
There are a few other things, but everything he wrote has a similar theme: He wants the point shoved in his face. He doesn't want to do any thinking or discovering. He wants the issue entirely depersonalized and stated in absolute terms: This is what I think, and this is why you're wrong. He doesn't want to take the time to comprehend what he's reading. He doesn't want to look at the big picture of the paper, because that would involve philosophical thinking. But most of the topics have a moral element to them, and I'm sorry to say that morals can only really be argued with either blindly followed assumptions or philosophical inquiry.
Anyways....this post was mostly for me to vent because I couldn't vent to him, but I do really think that he's being unfair to me. If anyone who actually read this whole thing wants to read what I turned in to see if he actually knows what he's talking about (which is possible) and that I just need to learn more about what I'm doing, then you should comment that. Because apparently I'm not getting this